I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Randomize