When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
