so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
I seem to have left my pride at pride
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
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