NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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