A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
We have so much sex to catch up on
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Randomize
