the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Randomize
