I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
