I think my fart just growled at me.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Randomize
