Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
