She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
My breasts were aching with rage.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Randomize
