well you can't waste a boner
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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