He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
