It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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