it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
