He is like the real live version of the state fair..
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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