Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Randomize
