I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
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