i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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