She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
