You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
