If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize