It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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