On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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