i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
There's a naked man in my car right now.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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