Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
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