Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
