I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
