go do what you do best...puke behind churches
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
Randomize