So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
