i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
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