seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
