pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
