I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Randomize
