I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Randomize
