I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
