Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Randomize
