Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
