I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
