textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
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