I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
