On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Randomize
