i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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