things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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