By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
