Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
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