I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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