I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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