Yo dont text me then not text me
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize