would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Randomize
