I would go down on you faster than GM stock
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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