Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Randomize
