just tell him i said nine months
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
We are two peas in an std pod
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
