Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
