If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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