I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Randomize
