So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Randomize