And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
Randomize
