party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
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