she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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