Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Randomize
