Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize