totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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