Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Randomize
