Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Randomize
