i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
