I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
