what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Randomize
