im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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