How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
