The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
