he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Lo siento on account of my penis...
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
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