Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
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